My Struggles Being an Introvert | Did I Overcome Them?


Hi! Let's talk about something personal about me. I wanna share some things that... I guess keeps me on doing the things that I want to enjoy but at the same time, it makes myself get tired easily. I am an Introvert - an INTJ to be exact. I love discovering new things. And by discovering them means interacting with people at the same time. And honestly, talking to people is not really a forte of mine...

Last weekend, my boyfriend and I talked about some concerns of mine. He then told me that we should talk about them not thru messages but thru personal talk instead. So what were the concerns that I want to talk about?

But before we jump to that, let me give you some ideas about what my life is about:

***

I grew up living with a family of four. Since my mom and sis have been abroad to make some earning for a living, I live with my dad since I was seven. We only got to see my mom and sis every two years and it will only last for a month.

My elementary and high school days are a mess. I've been bullied about the things that I love (my love for Anime and Japan), my physical traits (me being wide-eyed and fat), and a lot more. During my college days, I decided to go out of my cage and explore more about what life has to offer. Then on, I started joining organizations, and that's where I get to know my boyfriend.

He's a blogger. He's the reason I got inspired writing and do blogging as well. He taught me lots of ways to make myself improve in writings, in approaching people, and more. I was so amazed by how he can talk to people smoothly and how he shines when there's a huge amount of crowd.

My relationship has been a mess too. It's not always happy. Maybe because of my physical traits, I got taken for granted. We broke up, I met another man and got involved in an LDR and this man is younger than me by 3 years. It went really well but I guess, the time does change. I became busy, I didn't able to talk to him that's why he wanted to break up, to which I agreed.

During the days that I am in my LDR relationship, I have learned about the importance of self-care. I have learned that having time to love yourself is important. I've learned the power of being independent in life.

Well, I guess it was the moment that my first boyfriend and I were back to each other's arms and both of us realized the things that we lack. I am happy that he changed a lot and we've been together for long enough to let the people react "why both of you not get married yet?"

It was around 2015-2016 that I've been active about blogging. I attend events, I met celebrities, I met upper-class people. I usually attend events with my boyfriend. But most of the time, I am alone. I struggle so much on talking to people, socializing with fellow bloggers and PRs. Yes, I didn't get a chance to be close to any of them. I always feel awkward and tiring when socializing. I always get tired of seeing a huge crowd in front of my eyes. I did try to approach them. But I guess it was my instinct telling me not to be close because I don't know them personally.

I then stopped attending events and stayed at the comfort of my home. I rarely go out. And to be honest, I only interact with a number of people up until now (you can count them on your fingers).


I love being in the comfort of my room. Watching Anime or Seiyuu variety shows, listening to drama CDs, doing VLOGS, editing videos and play games. I was back on being a  slight hikikomori, that someone who doesn't interact with people and rarely go out of the home.

I realize that maybe, I can get my social media presence by just being at home. So then I started doing more blog posts, more videos and live streams of the games that I enjoyed thru Twitch. From there, I get to know more people. I tried socializing at them. It's not hard talking to others thru social media but I guess in real life, I can't do that.

The harsh reality that I realize, I get to see some people being sponsored by brands to things that I wish I could have to. I get to see people going to places that I wish I could go to. From that, I started losing confidence again. I then think I guess whatever I do is not enough. I don't have enough skills. I don't have enough people that I know. I don't socialize. And things tires me a lot.

Now let's go back. My boyfriend and I talk about these things. I told him, "maybe I need to aim of being famous so that my presence can be noticeable?" Because honestly, I love doing these things but at the same time, I don't aim at being popular. I don't even want to show my face on the pictures that I upload.

He then asked me, "Maybe. But what's your aim? Why do you want to get noticed?"

"Well, I am hoping that enough people can reach me too. But I don't have any idea how. I want to reach some brands as well, But I don't have the confidence to talk to them." I want to meet new friends. But my trust issues is indeed an issue for me because some people have been using me for the things that I have before and it hurts a lot.

My boyfriend then compared all the things that both of us differs. I can take, edit and present pictures and videos and I have bigger numbers compared to him. I have an eye for things creative. He doesn't have those things, but he knows how to socialize, how to approach people and others.

"If you want to get noticed, have confidence with yourself first. Talk to people."

It strikes me hard. Because honestly, I am still struggling with the things that I can do. I believe that I am not confident enough to do this and that. And it's tiring. Everything is tiring. But I want a change


I definitely want to change myself.

I know some might say that I don't need to change anything. Well, I know myself somehow that this is one of the best options to help me improve my life.

I will try my best to improve my way of thinking. And I will try my best to be matured enough to handle things. Socializing is a very important aspect of a person if you want to be exposed to people. Because from there, you'll meet different personalities. You'll learn how to adjust not just to them but for yourself as well.

It's still hard for me being an Introvert. I enjoy it but at the same time, I always fight it. Because I know for myself that I enjoy talking to others too. It's just... it still makes me tired a lot.

I started making a difference for myself by doing videos to where I usually expose my personality and share things that I love. I started making more friends especially on Instagram, to which I am grateful because they welcomed me.

I wanna get back to the things that I've been doing before. Like attending events because I honestly enjoy it. Meeting new people again and more. But just by thinking it, I then realize that I don't know where to start.

To the people who know me personally and reading this, I'm sorry. I don't know if you guys might find me weird most of the time but I just want to let you guys know that I always try approaching you. But I guess I am too shy, and somehow it is hard for me to reach you. And thank you, because meeting you makes a big difference in my life. I am learning from everyone.

My struggles in being an Introvert, I will try my best to overcome them. I love my own personality by the way. But at times, I want to unleash myself and be exposed as well. If ever I'll be given a chance again, I would love to do networking and collaborations to different people. It will surely help me as a struggling person and at the same time, I could show the skills that I am capable of.

Thank you for reading a piece of what my heart aches every day: Change.

No comments:

Post a Comment